Login HereJulian Sanchez, bless him, has tagged me with a meme I hoped I'd never be tagged with: top five most embarrassing songs on my iPod. "As a rule," Julian writes, "I don’t feel guilty about my pleasures—and certainly not my current ones." We are very different people.
I have one of the 80-gigs, so there's a lot of dross in the musicomputer. And I'm not entirely sure what category of embarrassment the meme is supposed to highlight. Embarrassing songs you don't listen to but still have? Embarrassing songs you listen to all the time? In the interests of maximizing utility, I'll go with the latter. And in the interests of economy of space -- you only get five songs, after all -- I'm going to drill down even further: embarrassing songs I listen to all the time that say shit about women so ignorant that Hortense would revoke my Jezebel commenting privileges if she read Attackerman, which I don't think she does. Results after the jump.
1. Motley Crue, "Ten Seconds To Love." A gym-time favorite. Crunchy Mick Mars guitars, typically subtle Tommy Lee drums, self-incriminating Vince Neil stories of sexual conquest. How is it that no one stopped the Crue in the studio and said, Now, boys, it's one thing to brag about fucking these groupies, but you might want to think twice about broadcasting the fact that you're a band of premature ejaculators... Seriously now. "Touch my gun/ but don't pull my trigger"? "Here I come/ my mind is set/ get ready for love/ you're my ten-second pet"? The self-awareness level might have inspired the classic Mr. Show "Wyckyd Sceptre" sketch. (NSFW) Also the lyric "Just wait honey/ till I tell the boys about you" would be the perfect subtitle for an asshole-dude's sextumblr.
2. Rick Ross f/EbonyLove, "Money Make Me Come." It starts, "I needs a real bitch/ 365..." and just goes downhill from there, until EbonyLove is moaning how the only sexual pleasure she requires comes from the paper chase. I probably cue this up three times a week.
3. UGK, "Like That." (Not the remix.) I love this one. Pimp C (RIP) and Bun B are going to do you, and they know what you like. It's being degraded! "Later on, you gon' bite that/ Bitch, you know you like that" is one of the tamer couplets. Listening to this just once disqualifies you from ever holding elected or appointed office. I once had the idea of compiling a YouTube video of girls at a crafts fair, a Tae Kwon Do class and an Indigo Girls concert with this as the soundtrack. But really there's no sugarcoating "Like That." Fuck is it ever infectious though.
4. Ol' Dirty Bastard, "I Want Pussy." Really doesn't need explaining, does it? The refrain "Yeah, my momma cannot protect y'all" is pretty killer though.
5. Weezer, "No One Else." If ever anyone at a party you're at argues that rap music is the most sexist form of popular music available, crank this ignorant shit loud. "No One Else" is the anthem of the Williamsburg acquaintance-rapist. "Please don't believe her/ she says that for anyone" is probably what Rivers told her friends after she worked up the courage to tearfully confess that she's being abused. The combination of breathtaking misogyny and undeniably perfect pop construction on this one approaches Skrewdriver levels of evil.
OK. Tagging Mattos Locos, Jessica Hopper, Joy Engel, Rick Perlstein, and Andrew Golis.
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Uhhhh, just picture me as McCain trying to talk about insurance coverage for birth control. I’m old and speechless on this topic!
Yeah, that’s a real secret shame, bested only by calls for such lyrics to be prevented somehow.
At least Skrewdriver had to come to terms with the poetic justice of where they ended up.
The mean mistreaters club will probably escape comeuppance of that quality.
Lunch hour fun. I hate myself that I play AND LOVE:
1. Down Ass Bitch - Ja Rule: Pretty pretty guitar.
2. How Do U Want It - 2Pac: ‘Cause 2Pac thinks my body’s bangin’ and an old chick takes what she can get.
3. Hit ‘Em Up - 2Pac: Almost as scary as Mad!Spence.
4. Los Angeles - Sugarcult: Girls always talk back and sex always has a catch.
5. Your Husband Is Cheating on Us - Denise LaSalle: Yeah, grrrl.
I have absolutely no guilt about loving “Hit ‘Em Up.” I pray only that I have sex with the girlfriends or wives of my portlier enemies, just so I can, with justice, yell out that perfect insult…
Y’know, since first listening to it I always thought that “No One Else” was meant to be laced with irony, in the same style as “The One I Love”. But now, considering both Weezer’s subhuman level of post-Pinkerton sophistication and the stories I’ve heard about how Rivers Cuomo treats women, I think you’re right: that song is straight-up appalling.
And geddoudaherewitthat would you please (as we say in Brooklyn) (or did before all the hipsters colonized i) with that stuff about you being old.
Noted, but we’ll see what you’re saying (to your 27-year-old 2nd wife) when you get to where I am. Considering Helen Mirren’s showing all her stuff and in comparison, I ain’t that old. And yeah, I forgot about Hit ‘Em Up perfect opening, thinking only about what 2Pac thinks of my body.
Amanda made this point to me as well. I’m going to confess that I don’t have any extra-textual knowledge of Weezer but clearly you guys do.