This is just absolutely stunning:

GUESTBREAKER: You Share Custody of your Dog with your Ex-Girlfriend

We had gone on a few dates and things were going quite well.  When I agreed to come over for dinner, knowing full well that we’d probably be naked by the time you were done cooking as nothing turns me on more than a guy who knows his way around the kitchen, I was super excited about finally meeting that dog you keep talking about.  But he didn’t greet me at the door.  Nor did he come running out of the bedroom when I whistled for him.  When I asked where he was, you nonchalantly explained that your ex girlfriend, with whom you bought the dog with all those years back, had “custody” of him that week.

Hold up.  You guys split up six months ago.  I’m all for dudes remaining friendly with their exes, but you know this is a dog right? not a kid?  You know that nothing says “I can’t let go and I’m totally not over her and I’ll probably call you by her name on accident during sex and you’ll never live up to her memory” than you sharing custody of a dog with her, right?  There are a ton of needy dogs at the local animal shelter that don’t come with the baggage of the memory of a girl who dumped you, just waiting to have your full attention.  Until then, your penis will have no visitation rights with my vagina.

And nothing says “Your vagina isn’t remotely it worth it” like a woman who thinks that a healthy relationship ends with one person never seeing their dog again. Hey Georgia Hardstark: I share custody with an ex-girlfriend of our beloved hound. Both me and the ex are living with our new significant others. Everyone’s moved on, and we prove that we can maintain a healthy friendship even after a difficult breakup in part because the dog reminds us of a bond we shared. And you know who’s never questioned the fact that the dog ought to go back and forth between us? Her new boyfriend and my new girlfriend, as well as my previous girlfriends. Because all of those people, unlike you, are worthy of love.

Take one second and think about this. Imagine if someone said to you, “Oh, I don’t share my dog with my ex. Just because we raised the dog from puppyhood and lived together for several years is no excuse for her to ever see the dog again. It’s relationship tax. Who cares what that whore thinks! It’s been six whole months!” I suppose that’s the kind of man you’re looking for, and far be it for me to stand in the way of you and the inevitable emotional devastation that everyone can clearly see is your chosen fate.